Living over a crevasse

A Climber Steps over a Crevasse in Root Glacier Lámina fotográfica

Can you get used to have your heart broken? That’s what I would like to say when people assume that, since I’ve moved so much, it’s easy for me to move from one country to another. When I live in a place, I have a love relationship with that place. Having lived in six different countries is like having had six different partners that I loved, with whom I had experiences together and had lots of dreams together. When that relationship is broken, that is, when I move, there’s always a period of mourning and adaptation to my new reality. I wish there was a name for that period, when you don’t feel you actually live anywhere, when you are suspended between two worlds, with nothing beneath you. I wish I could say that I live there, in that emptiness.

Every time I move it feels a little bit like dying, because the life that I used to have is over. A little friend of my daughter, five years old at the time, expressed her  sadness in her own words (she had just moved from France to Chile): “Mom, where is my life in Paris?”  Well, it’s nowhere, it doesn’t exist anymore. What do you call something that has ceased to exist? Even when we try to hide it, moving from one city to another, or moving from one country to another, there always comes a time of mourning. I’ve healed many times in the past, so I know I will heal this time too. But it’s a process that I cannot speed up (believe me, I’ve tried, and I’ve failed miserably). So, can you get used to have your heart broken? No. You just know, that “this, too, will pass” and that one day (probably in a year or so) you’ll wake up and realize, amazed, that you’d made the crossover without realizing it.

That emptiness is actually filled with flammable gases: sounds, sights or smells that don’t have any meaning for other people, can cause an explosion inside me. The other day, watching a soccer game of Copa América, tears came out of my eyes, not because of the Venezuelan team, but because of the sight of the Andes mountains covered in snow; that mariachi song that suddenly played when I turned on my parents’ car; or the Facebook message of my friend and neighbor in Panama City; or the many places that I’ve visited here in Caracas, that make me nostalgic, but at the same time inadequate (I mean, old) that  are telling me that I should be  a fifteen, or a twenty-year-old  to belong to them.

Living over a crevasse is not comfortable (you’d think!) so the first instinct is to try to cross over as fast as you can. On top of it, a lot of the people that are already on the other side (or that have never left that other side) don’t  get what´s the matter with you, why don’t you jump once and for all. This is why: because if you don’t do it right, you might fall. So please, if you are around our family, or any other family that has just moved from another city or country, be patient. It takes time. And … go watch that awesome Pixar movie, Inside Out to get a glimpse of what goes on inside our heads.

Until the next post…

Michelle

@chicadelpanda

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6 pensamientos en “Living over a crevasse

  1. omg… I am starting to get teared up… and. YES! everyone who personally know me, know well I highly admire that movie. I just dont know how they did to make me cry so hard near the end. I dont cry that often when it comes to feels. I can 100% relate to the situation, especially when I watched it for the second time on the cinema, when I was heartbroken with the loss of dear friends I made. And I was not the only one who cried for me having to go…

  2. Waoo Michelle, tus ultimos post me han encantado pero este me ha tocado ¨la fibra¨como dicen en mi España añorada, me has hecho llorar porque entiendo prefectamente ese sentimiento. Mi hijo me acompañaba anoche en ese sentimiento diciendome con lagrimas en sus ojitos: mama deseo estar en ¨casa¨ con mis juguetes y en mi ¨cole¨(como si aquí en Panamá no tuviera ni casa ni colegio … Por cierto, los echamos muchísimo de menos! :-((

  3. Don’t see the change, see the opportunity… spend time with the family.
    Btw… missing your posts in SPANISH 🙂

  4. NAILED!!! One of your best posts yet! Loved it. I have been there. Please do not rush but don’t stay there too long either hahaha mira que te cansas y te caes! I recently was in a “change management” class where I didn’t learn anything much but something really resonated with me: “It is not change that we are afraid of, it’s the in between”. In your words, its the crevasse. Knowing that it too shall pass, gives you hope but it doesn’t make it any less hurtful. ❤ love ya sis!

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